JOHN OGBILE OKPE

Luk 14:28: "For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?"

This scripture explains perfectly the purpose of courtship. In courting, you sit down and count the cost.

You just can't go willy-nilly into something and hope for the best. Well, you can, no one is stopping you, but it's a good idea to have a solid plan. There is some very important groundwork you should lay before getting into a committed relationship with someone.

Most times, we are unable to do a thorough groundwork during the period of courtship for a whole lot of different reasons based on each individual. Perhaps, maybe because of some misconceptions we have grown up with. Lets quickly look at some of these misconceptions about courting.

1. Courting is not the same as dating. When you court there is an intention to marry

I have met ladies who say: "I'm not ready to marry him, just trying to gain experience."

There are many things wrong with that statement and I will show you why.

A.) Whoever you are dating now will be 90% different from who you will be getting married to later. They are different people with different experiences.

READ MORE HERE: 5 REASONS WHY DATING IS NOT THE SAME AS COURTING


B.) It will cost you --- you will spend your money, your time, your energy and your resources in something that's going no where. If you are a good entrepreneur you know that's bad business.

C.) If you get your heart broken in the process, that's heart ache you could have avoided.


2. Being in a Christian courtship does not mean you must end up marrying each other

Some folks believe that if you are in a relationship with a man, it means you must marry him and when things don't go that way they begin to raise their heads.

You court to know if that person is suitable for you spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. When you have completed your observations, you and your partner can then move into proposal and engagement. Now, you are sure that he is the one you want to settle with and he can put a ring on it.

I have observed over the years that many Christians in courtship are under pressure of leaving a hurtful/unproductive relationship because of what people/church members/pastors/ will say/think or how people will see them. It's not mandatory that you marry them if they are not suitable for you. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage.


3. Courtship is not a time to check how well he can perform in bed

My dear, don't turn yourself into a public toilet where anyone can come and ease himself and go.

Apart from the spiritual implications of this act, there are many physical implications too. It's better to obey God and abstain.

There are many other misconceptions about courting, but I will stop here so we can address the subject of this post.

You see, the purpose of courting is to know the person you want to marry. To have an understanding of the man or woman. To count the cost. In other words, there are things you ought to cover in order to get that groundwork for your relationship properly laid down securely.


So, exactly what should you do before you get into a committed marriage relationship with someone? Here are a few:


Look Out For The Right Things

Most of us lack foresight. We are looking for tall dark and handsome. Open teeth and dimples, V-shape and figure-8, when we ought to be looking for treasures in earthen vessels. We really should stop majoring on the minor, and lookout for those things that matters most.

David and Faith Oyedepo

The photo above is one of the old photos of Nigerian Christian author, architect, preacher, founder and presiding Bishop of Living Faith Church Worldwide- Bishop David Oyedepo and his wife. Did you see how he was looking there? But there is something that woman was seeing. She was looking beyond their present state.

Today, Bishop Oyedepo pastors a 50,000-seat church auditorium, reported to be the largest church auditorium in the world by the Guineas Book of Records, and he is also the chancellor of Covenant University and Landmark University. He was named in 2011 by Forbes Magazine as being the richest pastor in Nigeria with a net worth of US$150 million.

There is a popular and funny saying in Nigeria that, "When a woman rejects a man of vision and accept a man with television, she will end up watching the man of vision on her own husband's television."

Please don't get this saying all wrong. Is it possible to find a man that has both packages (vision and television)? Yes, it is very possible. The saying only seeks to encourage people to look for something deeper in a man or a woman.

Serita and T.D Jakes

How you also heard of how pastor, author, filmmaker and Bishop agt The Potter's House, Bishop T. D Jakes started? Looking at the photo above, some ladies would probably have said a capital "NO" if the Bishop had asked them out at that time. This underscores the very importance of not judging a man by his pocket, but by the size of his vision. Why? Because where a man is going in life is more important than his present condition.

What about gospel music maestro; Nathaniel Bassey? From the religious, to the political, to the business and to the sporting worlds, the list of men and women who rose above their present condition to become something great in life is endless.

During courting, we need to ask God to open our eyes to see the treasures he has hidden in our partner. Life is more than open teeth, pink lips and dimples. A word is enough for the wise.

READ ALSO: REDEFINING RELATIONSHIP

For those of you who have found your man or woman, don't be a carnal spouse, be a spirit filled one. Help groom those beautiful qualities in your partner. You are supposed to make him better. He is supposed to make you better.

Let him have the confidence to tell you his plans because he knows you will be his personal cheer leader.

Pro 27:17: "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend."

If you have not been doing that, it's not too late to start now.


Ask The Right Questions

Courting is a time to get to know about each others purpose, plans and life assignments, and this can easily be achieved when we ask the right questions.

During courtship, you learn about who you want to marry. It is about open and honest exploration of each others lives and families leading up to engagement and marriage. Courtship is about marriage -- you court in order to see if there is any reason why you shouldn't get married. There is no romantic interaction until after the commitment to marriage.

Please, do not condone laziness and bad attitudes in a bid to look beyond the present state of your partner. If they are not willing to change, you have to do what's needful.

In Matthew 10:16, we are told to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. Don't be blinded and carried away by his vision mission statement; if he isn't taking an action step towards the actualization of his vision everyday, you need to ask questions.


Ask deep questions about each other and the future. Questions like:

- What is your short term, middle term, and long term plans? How do you plan to achieve this?

- What are your spiritual and financial goals? What are you doing to accomplish them?

- How many kids would you like us to have? What happens when the kids don't come on time?

These are some of the questions you should be asking in your relationship. A man without a means or source of livelihood and who isn't working hard to get one isn't worth your time. That's laziness and you mustn't condone it. I'm not saying you should marry because of money, but marry where money is.

Remember, the period of courtship is the bridge to the stage of engagement. Be wise in counting the cost.


READ ALSO: HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

I think it's a pretty safe assumption to say that we all desire to have a relationship that is filled with happiness, joy, and — most importantly — love.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we’ve been exposed to so many unhealthy relationships in our lives that we don’t know what a truly healthy relationship even looks and feels like.

A healthy relationship is one that is founded on godly principles... And while this is not a very popular definition of a healthy relationship, especially in the 21st Century when morals and values are fast descending into the abyss and folks are trying so hard to kick God out of the scenes, I stand by it. When godly principles are considered in a relationship, every other thing like happiness, joy, communication and love naturally falls in place.

Communication, respect, consensus, being supportive to one another, time factor, etc, are some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship. Over the years, an excellent job has been done in this regard, so I'm really not gonna bore you with the same things you've gotten yourself acquainted with over the years.

I only wish to return us back to the basics. We all know how practically impossible it is to build a skyscraper on a weak foundation. In Psalms 11:3, the Bible says: "If the foundation be destroyed, what can the righteous do?". This underscores the very importance of laying the correct foundation for a thing...  This basic foundational principle for a healthy relationship isn't new. Perhaps it is so old that it might be new to us.

Having a healthy relationship starts with building your relationship on godly principles. This is the primary stage, and although this is often ignored, it is nonetheless the surest way to a healthy relationship. Creating time for one another, not compromising, being supportive and the others are all secondary.


Let's look at some practical tips that can help us have healthy relationships founded on godly principles.


1. Avoid Fantasy

Most people if asked, would deny that they'd ever had a fantasy relationship, but in this modern age of the internet and romance novels, it's never been so easy to find yourself in a crumb filled fantasy relationship.

The bad thing about fantasies is that they never get to manifest in real life; they only remain in the fantasy world.


Fantasy can lead us to choose romantic partners for the wrong reasons. And even if we choose them for all the right reasons, our devotion to our fantasies can eventually lead us to destroy any real sense of connection.

Desiring a man with the TDH (Tall Dark and Handsome) factor is good, but don't miss out on God's plan by sticking to it.


2. Avoid Pretence

What you don't want to continue don't start. A lot of couples pretend that everything is okay, or even great, in their life and/or relationship when in fact it is not. To build a healthy relationship founded on godly principles, we must be truthful and sincere.


Usually what you do in courting follows you into marriage. This is where you build your foundation.

Also, whatever you don't like in your relationship, don't endure in hope that it will change later, because it may not. Deal with it now.

Don't start off trying to be the most virtuous woman he has ever met. Be yourself. I'm not saying don't improve on yourself. I'm saying don't try being what you are not in other to impress him.



3. Sex Talk

A.) Talk About Sex

If you are old enough to get into a relationship, you are old enough to talk about it.

B.) Be Decisive

No sex before marriage. Have it established and agreed upon between both of you before you start the relationship.

I don't care how spiritual or unspiritual he is, make your stand on the matter clear from the beginning. If you shy away from it there are no rules, and if there are no rules, then anything goes.


You can go as far as saying "The day you attempt to touch me, this relationship is over!"

It is permitted.

"Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." (Hebrews 13:4)

If you have missed it, God does not condemn you. Receive forgiveness and live right to honour God.

Most young ladies make the mistake of giving sex to keep a man. But I tell you the truth under God, A man who loves you will stay whether you give him sex or not. If he does not truly love you it does not matter how often you give sex. If he wants to leave, sex will not stop him.


I know a sad story of a lady who had dated a guy for a couple of years. She had already met his family. He started to act differently. He had been pressuring her for sex but she had been refusing. Since he began acting differently, she finally gave in. That was the end of the relationship. He ran out of the relationship as though someone was chasing him.

The point I'm trying to make is sex does not keep a man. Oh yes it doesn't. Forget about the things you see on soap operas and on novels. They should not be your model of a healthy relationship. They are just a veneer, they can't hold water.

C.) Set Healthy Boundaries

Why is this so important? You studied it in biology. It's called hormones. And as I like to say it: "don't tempt the devil". Set healthy boundaries.

No good Christian man or woman started his marriage with his mind made up to cheat and ruin his home. No Christian man or woman in a relationship planned to sin against God. Usually when you ask them they say, "I don't know how it happened."

Its very simple actually. They did not set healthy boundaries.


Below are few tips for setting healthy boundaries in a relationship.

- First Tip: no touching and kissing

This should be clearly defined. There should be no romance of any kind.

Some one once asked me, "If God's word forbids that we have sex before marriage, can we at least touch and kiss?"

My response: "No, you can not. Why go into the bathroom when you do not have any intentions to have your bath? Your presence in the bathroom shows you want to bath. Moreover, sex doesn't just happen. Sex is process. Fondling, touching and kissing are a foreplay to sex. There is a 95% chance that you will lose it. And even if you don't, the thing still remains that touching, kissing and any other form of romance are unacceptable to God, except they are done within the confines of a marriage relationship."


You see, if you indulge in this act with any normal man, he will stand at attention. This does not mean he is not born again, it only means everything is working fine. Like I said earlier, It's called hormones. Let me show you how the bible puts it.

Songs of Sol 8:4: "Swear to me, young women of Jerusalem, that you won’t awaken or arouse love before its proper time!"

As a lady, you are also not immune to this. So, here is a simple advice--- whatever you can't do in the public, don't attempt to do it in secret.

- Second tip: Movies

Strange, right? Yes!

Seeing a movie together is fine. But be careful what you see. When you go to your boyfriend's house and he plays Game of Thrones or any such movies, he is setting you up. Flee!!!
What you see, you will gravitate towards. I mean, the chances are very high that you will probably want to practice what you have seen. Avoid them. Watch Jackie Chan instead. Lol

Don't tempt d devil.

- Third tip: Being alone

Usually there is a desire to want to be alone with your lover. But be careful. The secret here is to meet outdoors more than you meet at home. If you really want to be alone, it's advisable that you use the parks, the beach, or any other outdoor center.

That way, it will be easier to ward off temptations, as you will be not be able to act out. You are in public after all.



In closing, I encourage you to trust God to keep you Holy... Trust me its not bone face. It's not will power. Rules and boundaries have their place, the grace and mercy of God also has its place. Ask God to keep you holy. Pray together to God about this.

2 Thessalonians 3:3: "But the Lord is faithful, who shall establish you and keep you from evil."

He will keep you if you ask him because He is faithful.

Though the world is descending into Sodomy each passing day, determine in your heart to be different. Determine to be among the people who bring smiles upon God's face. Determine to be among the remnant.

After my article on REDEFINING RELATIONSHIP, where I defined and compared different stages of relationships, in order to help us redefine basic relationship concepts and also locate where we are on the relationship ladder, I received quite a good number of private follow-up messages asking if there really was a difference between DATING and COURTING. My response to these questions is what I have compiled to create this post. I hope it sheds light and answers the questions in our hearts.

Meanwhile, if you are yet to read the post on REDEFINING RELATIONSHIPS, please click here to do so>>> Redefining Relationship

So really, dating and courting are different and here is why:

1. Personality Traits

- When you date, all you are basically doing is looking for someone that fits your ideal type of man or woman; you look for personality traits that you value. Here, you check if your value systems are in sync. You also check if your beliefs are not contrary to each other. In the area of purpose, you also check if you are both willing to accept, support and cheer each other's life assignments.

A scenario is I meet a girl who I think is a good match for me. I be with her to access on the surface level if we are a good match for each other. When we don't seem to click with each other, I leave her but maintain the good relationship, and then pray and set my watch for another person. Seriously, there is no point going into courtship with someone you don't blend with.

- Courting however is different. Okay, so I have dated a girl, our personalities on the surface level are in sync. Then we decide to actually get to know each other more deeper; we start a relationship, we spend more time together, we go out, we go to the movies, etc. We begin to plan our future together and consider marriage, if possible.



2. Emotional Attachment

- Contrary to what the world has sold to us about self gratification, dating does not have any form of emotional attachment or sexual contact of any kind or form.

The truth is, in our today's world, the term dating has become really ambiguous. Some celebrities and other top figures keep redefining this term everyday to pander to their indiscretions. But In actual dating, there isn't any emotional attachment because you are just assessing; what you do here is to talk and get to know each other. It is not the time to get to know how good they are on the bed.

Hence, if is imperative that couples in a dating relationship are careful, so that physical intimacy doesn't precedes commitment.

- In courtship however, you are emotionally invested, but without sexual contact, in the relationship. At this stage, you are spending more time together and also planning your future together, as well as considering marriage.

Like dating, what you do in the season of courtship is also communication, not touching, fondling or romance. Physical intimacy comes last in a relationship.

A courting couple can evade numerous temptations by the choice to be held accountable to God-given authorities. The dangers of defrauding can be avoided more successfully, and an honest, open friendship can be nurtured and protected. When this is done, commitment can more easily precede intimacy.



3. Time

- Usually, dating is short and doesn't take long. Both people in the dating relationship know that it may not last long. I usually advice one or two months to get to know the man or woman.

- Courtship on the other hand, generally takes long. Couples who are courting know that they will continue to see one another for a longer period of time. They engage in the same activities as a dating couple, but their courtship doesn't stop after just a few dates.

Some people court for like eight years before they get married. Well, good for them... But personally, I am of the opinion that courtship should not drag beyond two years. The temptation of defrauding is usually lesser. More so, why court them for that long when they aren't 'Lord of the Rings'. Lol



4. Accountability to Authorities

- In dating, there is little (if any) accountability for the couple and little or no interaction with family members. The dating couple is merely attracted to one another in some way and often pursues an exclusive relationship that is independent of others’ influence or counsel.

- A couple participating in courtship seeks the accountability of their parents, mentors and/or spiritual leaders.

By receiving the support and guidance of others, they are strengthened to maintain their commitment to purity.



5. Purpose of the Relationship

The main difference between dating and courtship involves the goals to be reached by spending time with a potential marriage partner.

- Again, because of the lies the world has sold us, most times men and women who want to remain in the stage of dating often have no commitment to consider marrying the other person. Maturity and readiness for marriage are not considerations. Instead, people usually date with the selfish goals of having fun and enjoying romantic attachments.

- In contrast, courtship is undertaken only when both parties are prepared to make a commitment to marriage.

Dating tries to answer the question, How can I find the one who will make me happy?

Courtship strives to answer the question, How can I honor God and discern His direction regarding my life partner?


Thank you for reading. Be on the lookout for another relationship post next Saturday.

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Have a beautiful weekend!

In a world where heartbreak, betrayal, youth disillusionment, family disintegration and divorce is on a daily increase, it is necessary to return back to the standard and redefine basic relationship concepts.

Standard will always remain the same no matter the technological advancements in the world. Even when popular celebrities try to redefine relationship by laying out the wrong example, we must always remember that truth cannot be modified or modernized.



These basic relationship concept will help us to redefine our relationship, and if we adhere to them, would usher is into a season of healthy and successful relationship. If we break any stage, it affects our relationship.

So, what are these relationship concepts? They include:


1. FRIENDSHIP

Friendship is a type of relationship between two people who care about each other. Friends are an important part of most people's lives. Research has recently shown that having friends increases our chances of being happy. A good friend might be someone who provides support when times are tough, or someone you can rely on to celebrate a special moment with you.

In friendship, it's important you hang around people who celebrate you, not people who tolerate you.

The best thing about friendship is communication.

If we do not build friends, we'd have a hard time choosing a life partner. You cannot marry all of your friends, but there will definitely be someone you can marry among your friends.

Please, begin every relationship with friendship.


2. DATING

According to Wikipedia, "Dating is a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage."

Dating is a time when a Christian finds out if his or her potential marriage partner is also a believer in Christ. It is that early stage of a relationship where both the man and the woman go out on dates to find out what each other is like, their principles and value system, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple.


In this stage, the Man and the woman meet outside, socially. Contrary to popular belief, It is not the time to invite them over to your house for a cup of coffee  or a glass of wine. Emotional attachment (or sex) must not be involved. Dating should be kept formal.

When you date, all you are basically doing is looking for someone that fits your ideal type of man or woman; you look for personality traits that you value. It is not supposed to be long at all. I usually advice people not to spend more than a month or two in dating.


3. COURTSHIP

Courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God’s will for them to marry each other. While courting, you check to see if the other person is compatible with you spiritually, emotionally and in every other way.

Under the protection, guidance, and blessing of parents or mentors, the couple concentrates on developing a deep friendship that could lead to marriage, as they discern their readiness for marriage and God’s timing for their marriage. (See Proverbs 3:5–7.)


Courtship is a choice to avoid temptation and experience the blessings of purity. It is a choice to not emotionally give away your heart, piece by piece, to many others through casual dating relationships and instead to give your whole heart to your life partner.

What you do in the season of courtship is communication and discovery of each other's purpose and life assignments. It is a time when the man and woman get to determine if they are both compatible.


There is no commitment in courtship, hence the woman should not assume anything if the man hasn't said anything yet. Also, there is no ownership in courtship, so it's important you don't assume any responsibility.

As long as no proposal is made and no reply given, courtship is still on. But then, courtship should generally not drag beyond two years. If they need more than two years to understand you, then their motives needs to be questioned. Don't allow any man or woman waste your time.


4. PROPOSAL

A marriage proposal is an event where one person in a relationship (having courted for some time) asks for the other's hand in marriage. It is the will to marry someone.

If accepted, a proposal marks the initiation of engagement.


Acceptance of the proposal is not compulsory. Hence, a man should not feel bad when a lady refuses his proposal. At least, maintain the friendship. That's maturity.


5. ENGAGEMENT

An engagement is a promise to wed, and also the period of time between a marriage proposal and a marriage.

During this period, a couple is said to be betrothed, intended, affianced, engaged to be married, or simply engaged.


An engagement is also a binding commitment or mutual promise of later marriage, having parental and pastoral approval. There is no secret engagement; there has to be the consent of the authorities over the two people involved.

An engagement often has a ritual quality.


6. MARRIAGE

It is a legal binding of a man and woman in a lifetime of covenant relationship.


Primary, marriage is for God's benefit- to seek godly offspring. (see Malachi 2:15). This is the only stage of relationship where romance and sex is allowed.

Physical intimacy comes last in a relationship. That is the standard, that's the way it's meant to be. Don't allow the world mislead you. Genuine bonding stops when you introduce physical intimacy.

I hope you were blessed? Please leave your comments below.  Let me know what you think.

Do remember to share and subscribe to my blog to stay up to date with other top articles.

QUESTION: "Why is it that A man with the finest woman in his life, but Jobless will never be happy. And a woman with the finest Job, but without a man in her life will never be happy?"

Short Answer: A man's first love is not a woman. A man's first love is his work (Making money). On the other hand, a woman's first love is in her relationship with a man.

Long Answer:  What gives a man primary fulfilment in life, aside his maker, is his work. That is how God designed the man & it's a Divine law.

God first  gave Adam work before he gave him a wife.  Meaning, his number one source of Joy in life is tied to his work & making money, and not his woman.

Advice To Women: Never date or marry a Jobless Man. You will regret it.



There are 7 things God gave man and the least of them is the woman. Until a man has the other 6, don't marry him.

A woman on the other hand, has her first Joy & fulfilment in her relationship with the man in her life. Her world revolves around her relationship with her man. This is also a Divine law. The FIRST thing or gift God gave the woman after her creation was Adam and that's her relationship.

So Ladies, relax if he's so driven with his work and can't seem to focus on you at the moment.

And Guys, calm down if she's so driven with passion and can't seem to think straight without you.

The most important thing is understanding each others make-up and striking a balance, so no one gets to suffer in the relationship.


Also, the acid test of a man's love for God is his work (money), while the acid test of a woman's love for God is her relationship.

Don't mess with those, you won't like their reaction!

I am Deloveguru!

Dr. Okpe Ezekiel Ode,
Your Online International Life Coach & Mentor